Afterlife

In February it will be two years since the day that changed my life forever. February 21st will be two years since my mother passed away. Her memory burns within my heart daily. 

On two occasions since she passed I have felt her with me. 

The first was a late night in the summer. From my slumber I was awoken by the sound of the dream catcher that had been given to me by my mother. It was no rustle of the winds that made the symbolic ornament move, it was moving with too much hast in a room with only a fan blowing. When I woke up, I felt my mothers presence. 

I've only told a few people about that experience because frankly up until now I felt strangely embarrassed about it, like people would judge me and my beliefs. After this morning I feel so strongly about all of this that I'm ready to talk about it. 

On this morning, December 22nd, just a few days shy of my second Christmas without my mother I felt her again. 

Getting into my car on my way to work. 

My car was my mothers car and some will say that that's why it occurred and its not her, but I know what I felt. I opened my car door and the smell of my mom rushed towards me, taking over every ounce of morning calm I had. I knew in an instant what it was. As I got in my car I knew she was with me. Overwhelmed with feelings I cannot even begin to describe I cried for a brief moment and went on my way to work. 

All day I've had a lingering feeling of peace, body and mind. Some would be scared if they too felt the presence of the deceased and some may say I'm foolish. 

I feel lucky to be able to feel my mother with me on the occasions I have. I'm lucky for the time I had with her but selfishly it wasn't enough. 

Merry Christmas mom. 

Fear in Life

What is fear? Its a noun and it means "An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat." When most think of fear it assosicates with spiders, clowns, death, and other fairly shallow things. Now, I'm not really saying that death is a shallow thing that shouldn't be feared, but, ive met many, whom like myself, do not fear death. There is fear of the unkown which more commonly is described as anxiety. Something people dont talk about enough is fear of happiness. I am sure that I am not the only know who has the unpleasant reminder when i look at my arms and legs, that i have spent so much time unhappy. I'm not hating on my scares at all. As I've grown I've come to realize that they are a beautiful reminder of my trials and tribulations I faced and ultimetly overcame. i am a surviver, if you will. Ive come a long way, but still, I fear happiness for within my experience it is taken away too quickly. 

Fear what you will. 

Take the risks you see fit.

Find growth from the pain you experience. 

Live life and love it daily, it truly is a blessing.