Mother Of Mine

For years all I ever wanted was my mother. Being a girl in her early teens I couldn't fully understand that my mother was sick. Her addiction to alcohol to numb her pain from past, present, and future was something so beyond me. Being 15 you normally shy away from your parents, it's totally normal but when I was 15 I wanted more than anything to go shopping and get my nails done with my mom but I couldn't cause my mom was never sober enough to do so. And like most, when your mind is altered by alcohol, you say things that are hurtful. Now I know people say that alcohol brings out the truth in people, but when you're being told by someone who is meant to love and comfort you that they wish you never entered their life, you really hope that alcohol is just a poison  that makes you say toxic things that are only lies. 

As I got older I realized more and more that my mother had a disease. And as I got older I also realized that with how much I wanted my mother I had to accept the facts and deal with it. 

Loving someone and keeping yourself at a safe distance isn't easy especially when it's your mother. You learn to shield yourself from pain. But shielding yourself from pain also means putting up a protective wall to keep the pieces of your fragile heart safe. That makes it hard for anyone to enter. Most people would see this as a problem but to those of us who have been wounded by love and trust, it's something we couldn't imagine life without. 

So when I finally came around to understanding my mother and her illness, it's was amazing. It made for 2.5 years that I will never forget and be eternally greatful for. Getting to really know someone is awesome. Especially when it's someone you've always known but you're able to do so as an adult with more knowledge of the world and more openminded. I am so lucky that I had the opportunity to meet the women my mother really was. My mom touched so many people in her 63 years on this earth and fortunately I was one of them. 

As much as it hurts to think about the fact that I really only have two years with her and that my mom won't get to see my in a wedding dress or play with her grandchildren, I was blessed with a truly extrordinary mother. She was an artist. A lonely painter who lived in a box paints. My mother inspired me to write. 

I miss my mother everyday.

Every second. 

If I was given the chance to talk to her again I would tell her that she is forgiven completely for any hurt that she ever caused me and I would thank her, because all the hurt she inflicted on me though forgiven, helped shape me into the person I am. 

I am my moms most beautiful peice of art. 

I would give anything to look into her eyes, to hear her laugh, her wise words, to hold her hand.

I know that one day I will be able to do all these things again. 

For now I'll go on living knowing that my mom is dancing in the clouds and singing with the heavenly choir. 

I know that with each sunrise and sunset that as much as it hurts for me, as empty as a part of me feels, my mom isn't in pain anymore. I hope everyone in heaven knows how lucky they are to have her. 

And I know when I look at the sky painted with mesmerizing hues, my mom is doing what she loves from a place where she is safe and sound. 

I know she looks down on me and smiles, just as I look up and smile.

Rest in Peace Mommy.  

I love you most. 

Happy.

How is it possible to feel this happy? 

I mean, I though I was happy. 

And I'm not doubting for a second that I was, but being as happy as I thought I was, being as devastated as I was (for like 2.5 days), and now being so happy people can just tell. 

I feel great but I'm confused by it. 

The relationship was awesome and I felt incredibly happy, but being happier apart? Was there something in me that maybe just knew it wasn't going to last? 

Was there an underlining inkling that is wasn't right? I don't mean "right" in a moral sense, though he was 24 years my senior, I mean it in a sense that, as much as I wanted to think he was, that he wasn't the one for me? 

I shouldn't be confused about an emotion that is purely joy. 

Why do women try to convince themselves that it's all good? 

Because we want more than anything to be happy. 

For years I've faked a smile, hide tears, put on an award winning act that I am okay. That I'm not hurt. 

Maybe I've gotten so good at the fake face of happiness that I have no control anymore. 

Is it possible for someone to get so used to playing a part that it becomes them? 

I feel so happy but what if my body is just going back to what it knows? Have I become so used to faking happiness that I believe it so much, am I living a lie? 

Has an act become my reality? 

Will I wake up the next few days and continue to feel on top of the world? Will it last longer? Will it last forever? 

OR will I wake up one day and feel the overwhelming sorrow that I know so well? Darkness is second nature to me. 

People get sad. 

People get happy. 

But what do you do when one becomes the constant? 

Do you try to evoke the other? What's your catalyst going to be? 

How will you know when you're going to be happy? 

Is it truly a decision left up to you and you alone? 

Everyone wants to be happy. 

Choose to be happy. 

Help others be happy. 

Just be fucking happy-go-lucky. 

Set Me On Fire

We've all had "relationships" the ones that are good, bad, a little bit of both, but when our so called love life goes south time after time and we keep getting hurt, do we really learn? what are we doing to ourselves? Why do we keep putting ourselves through the pain? When is enough, enough? I totally get the whole "You live and you learn" thing but how many times will we endore the crying, the feeling that it's all you, the binge eating, screaming depressing music, and the thought that I feel most females get that might as well be lesbians. It doesn't matter how long you're with someone what matters is how much you feel for someone. Why do we let ourselves fall and be vaunruable? Is it worth it when it all comes crashing down? The feeling of a knot in your stomach. The feeling when you're out in public and your heart is beating up out of your chest to the attic of your throat only to suicide itself onto the floor. Why do we let men pluck open our ribs like cello strings? Because it feels nice in the midst of it, that's why. Men should come with a warning in they're not the one. 

 Caution: This will hurt more than anything has before!

Enter at own Risk: I will make you feel like a worthless piece of shit! 

But like Kelly Clarkston said "The trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall and you can't refuse the call, see you got no say at all." And really, who doesn't want to be in love? I'm pretty sure all girls have dreamed about the day that we walk down the aisle in a beautiful white dress. We all want a love like Noah & Allie, Jack & Rose, Vivian & Edward, Rhett & Scarlett, Thomas J & Vada, Harry & Sally, Carrie & Big, Tony & Maria, hell even like Troy & Gabriellla. Love is amazing. It's beautiful. It might be worth the pain. 

I guess I'm saying that yes, love is a battlefield, and you'll have boyfriends for a summer, a few weeks, maybe years and all in all, you live and you learn. 

You'll learn what to stay away from in the future and if you are as lucky as I am, you'll learn what kind of love and what kind of man you should hold out for. 

Don't be afraid to take a break. It can be a few months, years, however long you need. But also, don't be afraid to throw on your big girl panties, FMP's, LBD, and some Chanel 5, hit the town, and see what happens. By no means am I saying go out on a wild goose chase for love when you're ready. It will find you and it will all happen when it's meant to. 

Men are stupid and I don't care how great yours is, they are all assholes. And one day you'll find your asshole. 

One day your douchey prince will come and it really will be worth it.