Happy.

How is it possible to feel this happy? 

I mean, I though I was happy. 

And I'm not doubting for a second that I was, but being as happy as I thought I was, being as devastated as I was (for like 2.5 days), and now being so happy people can just tell. 

I feel great but I'm confused by it. 

The relationship was awesome and I felt incredibly happy, but being happier apart? Was there something in me that maybe just knew it wasn't going to last? 

Was there an underlining inkling that is wasn't right? I don't mean "right" in a moral sense, though he was 24 years my senior, I mean it in a sense that, as much as I wanted to think he was, that he wasn't the one for me? 

I shouldn't be confused about an emotion that is purely joy. 

Why do women try to convince themselves that it's all good? 

Because we want more than anything to be happy. 

For years I've faked a smile, hide tears, put on an award winning act that I am okay. That I'm not hurt. 

Maybe I've gotten so good at the fake face of happiness that I have no control anymore. 

Is it possible for someone to get so used to playing a part that it becomes them? 

I feel so happy but what if my body is just going back to what it knows? Have I become so used to faking happiness that I believe it so much, am I living a lie? 

Has an act become my reality? 

Will I wake up the next few days and continue to feel on top of the world? Will it last longer? Will it last forever? 

OR will I wake up one day and feel the overwhelming sorrow that I know so well? Darkness is second nature to me. 

People get sad. 

People get happy. 

But what do you do when one becomes the constant? 

Do you try to evoke the other? What's your catalyst going to be? 

How will you know when you're going to be happy? 

Is it truly a decision left up to you and you alone? 

Everyone wants to be happy. 

Choose to be happy. 

Help others be happy. 

Just be fucking happy-go-lucky.